Taking That First Step

Taking That First Step - fingernails

I am a lifelong nail biter. I know, it’s hard to believe that someone with anxiety would actually do that, but it’s true.

OMG! I can’t believe I just posted a picture of my gnawed fingernails for the world to see! But hey, at least you’re getting to see the awesome Wonderland sticker on my computer that I told you about last week. Normally, Thomas reads my posts before I send them to be published, but I might make an exception and slip this one in under the radar. I won’t tell if you won’t.

Okay, I’ll be serious for a sec. I’ve bitten my fingernails for as long as I can remember. The only thing that seems to help for me is nail polish. I have quite a collection of colors, actually. It’s a guilty pleasure. So, why don’t I have any on, you might ask? Simple. COVID.

Hey, don’t laugh! At the beginning of 2020, I had some pretty nice nails. And I had my habit under control enough that I could go without the polish. Although, let’s get real, I love the colors; it can just be time consuming. You’re probably thinking twenty minutes, tops, right? Not with me. I’m a perfectionist (another fun fact…maybe I’ll write a post on that). I have to allow each coat to dry, and if I knock a wet nail…d’oh! Start over.

When COVID happened, I started shaving off the smallest bit of nail at the tip. No big deal—it was hardly anything. Then a little more—to even things out. Then another finger. And another. Okay, I had my fun. I’ll stop. But my fingers are imbalanced now. I have to “even” things out. There. Done. Except…the right and left hands feel weird because one is chewed and the other is not. Have to do something about that.

Yeah, I know it sounds silly, but that’s how I fall back into step with this habit. It kind of creeps up on me. I kept telling myself, “I’ll stop tomorrow.” Only tomorrow never came, at least not where the fingernails are concerned. And here I am, almost eleven months later. Gnawed nails and all.

I’ll be honest, I’m a little nervous telling you about my habit (if you can’t tell from my rambling above). I could’ve chosen so many other uplifting fun facts about me. Instead, I’m sharing some dirty laundry. Why the **** am I doing this? Because I’m like you, and I want you to know it. I’m a person. I’m flawed (and this is not even the tip of the iceberg). Nothing about me is even close to perfect. But I’m working to get better.

Taking That First Step

I must be a glutton this week. First the fear of the agent follow-up (which I did do, btw), and now this…

NEWSFLASH: Thomas read the post before I published it, so he knows what I’m about to say (and will likely keep me accountable). Today, I will paint my fingernails and, once again, begin my conquest to beat the habit. You might think this isn’t that big of a deal, but a nail biter knows how hard it is not to go to that finger for comfort. For that subconscious self-soothing. It’s harder than it appears. But I’m taking that first step.

‘Til next time!

Amélie

UPDATE: For those wondering, yes, I did paint my nails today. I felt like a mermaid green.

painted fingernails

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